9 Months Old

It's AMAZING how much he's changed since turning 9 months! It seemed like a lot of stuff happened during month 7, but month 9 is also turning into a big month.

Let's see if I can even begin to recount what's been going on with Evan......

*He kissed me for the first time while we were in New

Orleans. He had slept part of the night on the bed with Matt and me. When he woke up in the morning he crawled over to me, crawled up on me, and gave me a sloppy kiss. SO SWEET!

*he started saying "Mama" -- meaning ME!! He turned from him saying it when he only wanted me (which was when he was tired or hungry) to now saying it every time he wants something. Whether that's food, a toy, or something he isn't supposed to have.

*He started saying "hey." I think he started saying this around the same time as "Mama," while we were in New Orleans. It might have even been before. I didn't realize that's what he was saying at first.

*He started crawling on his hands and knees - fast. He had mostly been doing the army crawl, only crawling on his hands and knees a little and not far before he'd fall. But after returning home from NO he was crawling like a pro!

*He started "playing" with Serenity (our cat). She actually loves the attention. She'll plop down right in front of him and he'll grab a fistful of hair and pull. She'll get up, turn around, and plop right back down in front of him. If she's walking near him he'll start chasing her. The other day I walked in the room and he was completely on top of her. Yep, she's scratched him twice (on the hand). You'd think they'd both learn a lesson, but so far neither has.

*He started pulling up onto his knees.

*He started going from his belly (or crawling) to a sitting position. Before he could go from sitting to crawling, but not crawling to sitting/pulling up.

*He started pulling up to a standing position.

And my absolute favorite.......

*He started waving and saying "bye bye"!!!!!!!! My mom and sister heard him the first time. We were visiting my grandparents and they went into the house to bring him out to the car so we could go to the beach. They told him to say goodbye to my grandparents and as they were walking out the door he waved and said "bye bye." They told me when they came out to the car and I figured they had misunderstood or were exaggerating. But when we were at the beach I was sitting with Evan on a picnic table. I was feeding him, but he was distracted by the birds and people around us. He started watching a family walk out to their car. There was a little girl in a bright yellow dress trailing behind the rest of the family members. Evan lifted his hand and started flapping his fingers. I thought he was acting different...concentrating very hard. He held still except for his fingers and suddenly he said, clear as day, "bye bye." There was no mistaking it! It still amazes me just remembering it! He was watching the little girl as he did it.

2 years

Saturday the 29th was the second anniversary of our miscarriage. I'm so sad that nobody remembers our baby anymore. I don't mean that I expect friends to remember. And I don't even expect our family to say or do anything. But it's just that I could tell they didn't even have an idea that it was the 29th, 2 years since we lost our first baby. I don't think Matt remembered. It just makes me sad that it seems I'm the only one to think about it. I didn't want to spend the day moping or being depressed, but it was hard not to. I knew we were going over to my parents' house that evening and I was prepared for that. But I wasn't prepared to entertain my brother and sister all day for lunch and the rest of the afternoon. I had wanted them to come by to pick up the chaise lounge my sister is taking, but I didn't mean come to hang out for so long! Matt asked them to come a lot sooner than I had wanted them to. It was just hard to entertain while also being so sad.

I still feel bitter and sad and angry about it 2 years later. Maybe those who have lost a loved one or a child will understand. I remember my first baby every day. I have a box with the positive pregnancy tests (which, when I looked the other day, still looked the exact same as they did when I put them in there), pictures of us the day we found out about the pregnancy (5/18/08), and print outs of my blog posts about the pregnancy (not posts about the m/c). There's also a list of the names I'd started making after finding out about the pregnancy. Anyway, I feel like I'm keeping this stuff...and it's for nothing. Like, that little baby will never grow up and I'll say, "Here's this box...I was thinking of you even when you were still inside me. This is the story of how we found out we were going to have you..." I'm just so sorry for my baby. That he/she ended up with me...and look what happened.

I'm so disappointed in the people I know. That they can treat a miscarriage so flippantly. If I had had an abortion they would have been upset and there may have been tears and it would have been the death of a baby. But an early miscarriage at the same time? No big deal. The only emotions were them feeling a little sorry for me for about 5 minutes of the day, and then it was "get over it." I'm most angry at my in-laws' reactions. I still am. For those of you who were reading 2 years ago you may remember that the first time I saw my in-laws after the m/c they treated me horribly. We're having a different problem with them now and that makes the anniversary of our miscarriage even worse. They didn't care about our first baby, they didn't care that it took so many months of loneliness to conceive another baby, and now the worst thing is that they don't care about Evan.

Last year I think I was more positive. Grief comes in waves, sometimes it's easier to accept what happened than others. Sometimes I can mask it or pretend to be positive. But right now I don't feel like putting on an act. I feel like expressing my grief about my loss and my anger at the people who should have been supportive but chose not to be.

NOLA

I loved New Orleans! We had such a good time on our trip and Evan was great (in spite of the fact that his second tooth broke through the morning we left).

We left on Friday the 14th and arrived late that night at our friend's dad's house. We spent the night there and attended her graduation the next morning. Yep, Evan sat through the whole graduation and was such a sweetie. The only time he made any noise was he cried twice because the ladies behind us kept shrieking and yelling and it scared him. Which, by the way, I find

very disrespectful. It didn't bother me quite as much at this graduation because overall people

were more mature and considerate (we just happened to sit in front of some of the ones who weren't), but at my brother's graduation it was much worse and it makes me angry that some people don't get to hear their loved one's name announced because the people around them are

acting like drunk rednecks at a sporting event.

After her graduation we spent the day at her reception and then Matt, Evan, and I went to stay in a hotel that night. The next day (Sunday) we went to our first crawfish boil. It was SO fun!! I didn't know what to expect since I've only ever eaten crawfish in a pasta dish once before. You boil crawfish alive like you do lobsters and so they had buckets of live crawfish when we got there. They put them in a huge pot over a cooker along with potatoes, mushrooms, lemons, and spices. Christine's family served them on large trays on the picnic tables outside and taught us how to crack them open to get to the meat. Just thinking of it makes me want some!!! I wish they sold crawfish around here. It was messy, but SO worth it. :-)

We swam in the pool - the first time in years I've been in a full sized pool and the very first time for Evan! He loved it. I took him out at one point because the sun went behind a cloud and I saw him shivering. I sat on the pool deck with him wrapped in a towel and he spent the whole time trying to get back into the pool! Christine's aunt took him back in the pool and he was giggling and laughing. :-)

We went to New Orleans on Monday and spent the evening walking around and going out for dinner. Once again, Evan was SO well behaved! We ended up going to a fancy restaurant (the manager came out while we were standing outside

talking about what to do and convinced us to eat there). I was really nervous about Evan being there, but he was better behaved than half the adults in there!

Tuesday we went to the aquarium and I'm so glad we did! Evan's favorite thing there were the jellyfish by far. LOVED them. He kept trying to grab them. lol My favorite thing was the otter. Or the penguins. Or the seahorses. Or petting the stingrays. I can't decide!

That night Christine's mom came to the hotel to watch Evan while we went out to dinner, to Bourbon Street, and then the casino. It was so nice of her to volunteer to do that. I didn't expect anyone to do that and didn't expect to get to go to Bourbon St or to the casino. I actually think I was doing her mom a favor. lol Her entire family LOVED Evan and I was actually a little afraid one of them would run off with him. ;-)

Wednesday we went to the WWII museum and the Riverwalk. I ate my first po-boy. Fried catfish on french bread in a sandwich. They also come in shrimp, oysters, and...I can't remember, but I think some other type of seafood. Our hotel overlooked the river and we could see the steamboats. So beautiful!!

Thursday we went to Jackson Square and saw the St Louis cathedral. We walked around all day stopping at restaurants and going into shops. We went back to the Riverwalk to Cafe du Monde and ate beignets (DELICIOUS!). New Orleans is beautiful! I wasn't expecting to enjoy it as much as I did. My dad has been twice on business and hated it (of course, his company put him in a hotel on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras....not his thing at all, lol).

That evening we headed back to Christine's hometown and stopped at a snowball stand. Once again, something that is SO GOOD that they don't have in NC. Evan tried some of our snowballs and he loved them too. :-)

Friday we headed to Mississippi to visit Christine's grandmother. We had met her at the graduation and she loved loved loved Evan. So we stayed the night at her house. Sure enough, she was trying to steal Evan away. She even wanted him to sleep in her bed with her! lol That night was a little rough, I think at that point he'd had enough. Thankfully he waited until he was in bed to lose it so he didn't "ruin" our visit with Christine's grandparents since we'd been there several hours at that point.

Then we headed back home. The trip home was rough. Evan was fussy the entire time. The next day he woke up with a cold. I think the week wore him out. I'm grateful that he was so good while we were there though. He's such a great traveler!

Anyway, next I'm going to post a 9 month description of Evan. He's changing SO MUCH!

Adios

We're going to New Orleans for 8 days! We're leaving Friday afternoon. I'm kind of nervous about being gone for so long. Hoping that Evan will continue to nurse well and won't start teething. The past 2 days he has whined and whined all day. Yesterday I stayed home all day since I wasn't feeling well (allergies) and today we didn't go out or do much in the afternoon, just a chiropractor appointment in the morning. I don't know if he was just bored or if he's teething or what, but I'm afraid it might be teething.

I am glad to spend so much time together as a family though. It will be great for Matt and Evan to spend so much time together!

Mama

Thanks for all of the supportive comments on my last post!!! I made a visit to the vitamin store last week and bought fenugreek. Haven't bought any of the mother's tea or anything, but I plan to. Have been eating oatmeal every day (I usually do that anyway) and trying my hardest to drink a lot of water.

AND today was the first day Evan has nursed every feeding time since his tooth broke through 3 weeks ago!!! I still gave him a bottle of breast milk after his last feeding, but at least he nursed!!! I'm SO SO SO glad! I'm just amazed at how well we're doing. I can't believe I was that close to quitting. I really was. I had made the decision to wean him. But after writing that last post I realized how much I wanted to keep trying. So I decided to give it one more chance.

My letdown is happening quicker now and I think Evan has realized it will happen if he just gives it a minute or so. I'm still afraid we'll have more problems next time a tooth breaks through or something, but at least my letdown is better and I'm having much more success pumping, which is encouraging.

Yesterday was Mother's Day and it was great. :-) I still felt a little melancholy though. I just feel bad for all of the women who are excluded. And it was a little confusing when people told me "happy first Mother's Day." I was a mother last year. I was pregnant with Evan and if I hadn't lost my first baby I would have had a 3-4 month old baby by the time Mother's Day came around. Like I posted last year, I feel like women who have had miscarriages/struggle with IF are still mothers.

Plus the situation with the in-laws as escalated to the point where Matt called MIL to talk again (he had this same discussion with her in November and it made no difference), but I think this time he was a little firmer. She says she feels bad and asked what she can do to make it better. And we don't know how she can make it better. If she hasn't wanted to be a part of Evan's life up to now, why would that be any different now? Anyway, she called me twice on Saturday to talk, but both times I didn't get her call (I didn't do it on purpose though!). I really should have called her back today, but didn't feel like getting into it all. But it kind of put a little damper on Mother's Day. I think MIL was expecting us to come over for a cookout and stuff. And I just don't get why she's the only one attempting to make things better. FIL just gets off...like he hasn't done anything. *sigh* oh well!!! On to happier things........

Anyway, when I wasn't taking care of the baby (Matt parked at church in the morning and then did some grocery shopping in the evening), I was able to relax and nap a little bit in the morning. We all went to a park down the road in the early evening. It was a gorgeous day and perfect for doing some light hiking on the trails. When we came home Matt cooked burgers on our new grill...it was the first time we've used it. They were delicious!! Evan gave me a card that is adorable and is now sitting on top of the TV. It might just stay there forever. :-) The best gift was Matt folding the laundry, doing the dishes, and cleaning the house. And all of those things are already piling up again. lol


I'm so excited that I'm a mama! I absolutely love it. :-) Evan is such a sweetheart and he's cracking me up these days with how active and quick he is. He's still pretty laid back compared to many babies his age, but he's changing so much. He never ceases to amaze me with how he can change from one day to the next.

hard times

The past week and a half of motherhood have been the hardest yet. Sure, the first few weeks of breastfeeding were harder, but I hate to officially say that was the hardest time of motherhood since I did have a beautiful new baby. So I say the past week is officially the hardest. Now, I always hate to complain, especially since so many of my blogger friends have/had infertility struggles and would be more than happy to trade places with me. So I'm complaining, but not about being a mother. It's hard to explain, but this isn't complaining about being a mom or having a baby at all.

It's about nursing problems. I have become a little superstitious the past several months. It seems like just when I brag about something it turns on me. So I should have known not to be proud of our breastfeeding accomplishments the past month or so. I've had a couple of conversations with people saying how much I love breastfeeding and how I'm so glad I stuck with it even though it was seriously the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. The first few weeks were pure torture, but I stuck with it. I thought I'd be glad just to make it to 4 months and here I am 8 months later and planning to breastfeed for a YEAR! And now it is looking like I might be forced to wean Evan at less than 8.5 months.

While Evan was teething it hurt for him to suck, he wouldn't take a bottle either. So he skipped a few nursing sessions. He was also more irritable and so sometimes would just refuse to nurse and we'd give him a bottle. Then after the pain was gone he'd still refuse to nurse sometimes. The first couple of days I'd just give him a bottle and figured when the teething was completely over we'd get back on track. Not so. Now he only nurses 2-3 of 4 nursing sessions. It's a struggle to get him to do even that. The times he doesn't nurse I've started pumping so that my supply won't diminish. But the pumping isn't getting anything out. I will sit there pumping for up to 40 minutes (not easy with a mobile 8 month old!) and NOTHING.

I read to pump until let down and then nurse the baby so he gets an immediate "reward." But I can't get it to let down at all with the pump! My stash of frozen breast milk is getting low and it seems like let down is taking longer and longer when he does nurse. The whole feeding process takes over an hour (try to nurse, pump to see if I can get let down, give up, heat up frozen milk, bottle feed him, pump to see if I can get something out to keep up my supply, give up, rinse out/wash pump, finally feed him solids). Evan gets annoyed and I get annoyed. Often I find that I'm annoyed at HIM. It's hard to write this, but I'm being completely honest. Sometimes I feel angry, even a little angry at him. I feel that he is being very impatient. I think part of it is him learning that he can expect things and that he can BE annoyed. Before the past couple of weeks he just took everything as it came, he had no control. But he's getting more and more control over things and I think it's frustrating for him to not be able to control nursing. I know it's not his fault and he doesn't understand, but I still feel frustrated and wish that he could understand and be more patient.

Evan has never had a SIP of formula. We've tried giving it to him before (once a few days after he was born and went ALL DAY without eating because I was in so much pain and a few more times in January when my supply dwindled) and he refuses to drink it. I was so proud to have an exclusively breastfed baby, not even a sip of formula. So I was worried about weaning him onto formula because I knew he wouldn't take it. He'd have to skip a lot of feeding times before he'd drink it. The pediatrician said he could wean to cow's milk in May/June, but I know he means at least after Evan is 9 months old. I was hoping we could make it til then, but I don't know if we can. Especially since we'll be traveling to New Orleans in a couple of weeks and I don't think I'll be able to pump as often and we certainly won't be able to transport frozen breast milk.

Anyway, I talked to a nurse and she said how I can wean Evan to formula...start mixing it in with bottles of breast milk and gradually put more and more in there. This is SO HARD for me. I've cried a lot the past few days. I love breastfeeding. I really do. It's funny how I went from being unexcited about it (I was only doing it for his health) and not wanting to nurse in public, then to hating it with a passion (those first few weeks), to feeling very positively about it and taking a stance on breastfeeding and nursing him anywhere. I always used a cover, but still, you just don't see that very much around here. But I did it because women should be able to feed their babies anywhere, we shouldn't have to hide.

I feel guilty about making Evan drink the formula that he hates so much. I feel bad for myself because now I have to spend money on formula and wash bottles all the time. I feel betrayed because I was enjoying it so much and I feel like it's been taken from me. I know it's not anyone's fault, but still....that's just how I feel. I didn't make this decision, it's out of my hands, and that's hard because I feel like weaning should be a gradual thing that both mom and baby do together.

HOWEVER --- this morning I was ready to give up, but after talking to the nurse I'm determined to make this work. I'm drinking water like crazy and I'm going to buy some fenugreek. I want my supply to go back up. The nurse said the delayed let down sounds like a milk supply problem, so maybe, just maybe, I can fix this! I'm preparing myself for weaning, but I'm going to keep fighting for a couple of more days first.

8 months old

And his newest things (besides teeth!) are blowing raspberries (something he's been able to do for awhile now, but it's like he's discovered he can do it all the time), his cheese ball grin, eating finger foods on his own (Puffs), and bouncing in the Exersaucer.

7 months was the month of biggest changes. Evan changed SO MUCH. Not only the things he does, but also his personality. He's more opinionated, but still the mild, serious sweetheart he's always been. I just notice that he shows annoyance more often (and usually has a good cause to!). I spend less time wondering what he's thinking and how he feels because now I know.

We lowered his crib mattress again (one more time and it will be as low as it can go) because he's up on his hands and knees. He isn't pulling up on things yet, but if he did in the crib he could easily flip or fall out of it because he's so tall. We are also about to put away some of his things in the attic because he's outgrown them. His infant bath tub, his bouncer, and his swing. And in a couple of weeks we'll be putting away the infant carrier car seat and changing to the convertible seat. It's very bittersweet. I'm sad that he's growing, but excited and happy about it as well!

I found THIS bath tub at I.kea for $8! It's what we need. A couple of weeks ago I posted asking about baby bath tub solutions. It's small enough that it's easy to clean and doesn't need much water, but doesn't have all of those slanted sides and bumps on the bottom so he has more room.

So I leave you with a picture of the cheese ball grin: