hard times

The past week and a half of motherhood have been the hardest yet. Sure, the first few weeks of breastfeeding were harder, but I hate to officially say that was the hardest time of motherhood since I did have a beautiful new baby. So I say the past week is officially the hardest. Now, I always hate to complain, especially since so many of my blogger friends have/had infertility struggles and would be more than happy to trade places with me. So I'm complaining, but not about being a mother. It's hard to explain, but this isn't complaining about being a mom or having a baby at all.

It's about nursing problems. I have become a little superstitious the past several months. It seems like just when I brag about something it turns on me. So I should have known not to be proud of our breastfeeding accomplishments the past month or so. I've had a couple of conversations with people saying how much I love breastfeeding and how I'm so glad I stuck with it even though it was seriously the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. The first few weeks were pure torture, but I stuck with it. I thought I'd be glad just to make it to 4 months and here I am 8 months later and planning to breastfeed for a YEAR! And now it is looking like I might be forced to wean Evan at less than 8.5 months.

While Evan was teething it hurt for him to suck, he wouldn't take a bottle either. So he skipped a few nursing sessions. He was also more irritable and so sometimes would just refuse to nurse and we'd give him a bottle. Then after the pain was gone he'd still refuse to nurse sometimes. The first couple of days I'd just give him a bottle and figured when the teething was completely over we'd get back on track. Not so. Now he only nurses 2-3 of 4 nursing sessions. It's a struggle to get him to do even that. The times he doesn't nurse I've started pumping so that my supply won't diminish. But the pumping isn't getting anything out. I will sit there pumping for up to 40 minutes (not easy with a mobile 8 month old!) and NOTHING.

I read to pump until let down and then nurse the baby so he gets an immediate "reward." But I can't get it to let down at all with the pump! My stash of frozen breast milk is getting low and it seems like let down is taking longer and longer when he does nurse. The whole feeding process takes over an hour (try to nurse, pump to see if I can get let down, give up, heat up frozen milk, bottle feed him, pump to see if I can get something out to keep up my supply, give up, rinse out/wash pump, finally feed him solids). Evan gets annoyed and I get annoyed. Often I find that I'm annoyed at HIM. It's hard to write this, but I'm being completely honest. Sometimes I feel angry, even a little angry at him. I feel that he is being very impatient. I think part of it is him learning that he can expect things and that he can BE annoyed. Before the past couple of weeks he just took everything as it came, he had no control. But he's getting more and more control over things and I think it's frustrating for him to not be able to control nursing. I know it's not his fault and he doesn't understand, but I still feel frustrated and wish that he could understand and be more patient.

Evan has never had a SIP of formula. We've tried giving it to him before (once a few days after he was born and went ALL DAY without eating because I was in so much pain and a few more times in January when my supply dwindled) and he refuses to drink it. I was so proud to have an exclusively breastfed baby, not even a sip of formula. So I was worried about weaning him onto formula because I knew he wouldn't take it. He'd have to skip a lot of feeding times before he'd drink it. The pediatrician said he could wean to cow's milk in May/June, but I know he means at least after Evan is 9 months old. I was hoping we could make it til then, but I don't know if we can. Especially since we'll be traveling to New Orleans in a couple of weeks and I don't think I'll be able to pump as often and we certainly won't be able to transport frozen breast milk.

Anyway, I talked to a nurse and she said how I can wean Evan to formula...start mixing it in with bottles of breast milk and gradually put more and more in there. This is SO HARD for me. I've cried a lot the past few days. I love breastfeeding. I really do. It's funny how I went from being unexcited about it (I was only doing it for his health) and not wanting to nurse in public, then to hating it with a passion (those first few weeks), to feeling very positively about it and taking a stance on breastfeeding and nursing him anywhere. I always used a cover, but still, you just don't see that very much around here. But I did it because women should be able to feed their babies anywhere, we shouldn't have to hide.

I feel guilty about making Evan drink the formula that he hates so much. I feel bad for myself because now I have to spend money on formula and wash bottles all the time. I feel betrayed because I was enjoying it so much and I feel like it's been taken from me. I know it's not anyone's fault, but still....that's just how I feel. I didn't make this decision, it's out of my hands, and that's hard because I feel like weaning should be a gradual thing that both mom and baby do together.

HOWEVER --- this morning I was ready to give up, but after talking to the nurse I'm determined to make this work. I'm drinking water like crazy and I'm going to buy some fenugreek. I want my supply to go back up. The nurse said the delayed let down sounds like a milk supply problem, so maybe, just maybe, I can fix this! I'm preparing myself for weaning, but I'm going to keep fighting for a couple of more days first.