hard times

The past week and a half of motherhood have been the hardest yet. Sure, the first few weeks of breastfeeding were harder, but I hate to officially say that was the hardest time of motherhood since I did have a beautiful new baby. So I say the past week is officially the hardest. Now, I always hate to complain, especially since so many of my blogger friends have/had infertility struggles and would be more than happy to trade places with me. So I'm complaining, but not about being a mother. It's hard to explain, but this isn't complaining about being a mom or having a baby at all.

It's about nursing problems. I have become a little superstitious the past several months. It seems like just when I brag about something it turns on me. So I should have known not to be proud of our breastfeeding accomplishments the past month or so. I've had a couple of conversations with people saying how much I love breastfeeding and how I'm so glad I stuck with it even though it was seriously the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. The first few weeks were pure torture, but I stuck with it. I thought I'd be glad just to make it to 4 months and here I am 8 months later and planning to breastfeed for a YEAR! And now it is looking like I might be forced to wean Evan at less than 8.5 months.

While Evan was teething it hurt for him to suck, he wouldn't take a bottle either. So he skipped a few nursing sessions. He was also more irritable and so sometimes would just refuse to nurse and we'd give him a bottle. Then after the pain was gone he'd still refuse to nurse sometimes. The first couple of days I'd just give him a bottle and figured when the teething was completely over we'd get back on track. Not so. Now he only nurses 2-3 of 4 nursing sessions. It's a struggle to get him to do even that. The times he doesn't nurse I've started pumping so that my supply won't diminish. But the pumping isn't getting anything out. I will sit there pumping for up to 40 minutes (not easy with a mobile 8 month old!) and NOTHING.

I read to pump until let down and then nurse the baby so he gets an immediate "reward." But I can't get it to let down at all with the pump! My stash of frozen breast milk is getting low and it seems like let down is taking longer and longer when he does nurse. The whole feeding process takes over an hour (try to nurse, pump to see if I can get let down, give up, heat up frozen milk, bottle feed him, pump to see if I can get something out to keep up my supply, give up, rinse out/wash pump, finally feed him solids). Evan gets annoyed and I get annoyed. Often I find that I'm annoyed at HIM. It's hard to write this, but I'm being completely honest. Sometimes I feel angry, even a little angry at him. I feel that he is being very impatient. I think part of it is him learning that he can expect things and that he can BE annoyed. Before the past couple of weeks he just took everything as it came, he had no control. But he's getting more and more control over things and I think it's frustrating for him to not be able to control nursing. I know it's not his fault and he doesn't understand, but I still feel frustrated and wish that he could understand and be more patient.

Evan has never had a SIP of formula. We've tried giving it to him before (once a few days after he was born and went ALL DAY without eating because I was in so much pain and a few more times in January when my supply dwindled) and he refuses to drink it. I was so proud to have an exclusively breastfed baby, not even a sip of formula. So I was worried about weaning him onto formula because I knew he wouldn't take it. He'd have to skip a lot of feeding times before he'd drink it. The pediatrician said he could wean to cow's milk in May/June, but I know he means at least after Evan is 9 months old. I was hoping we could make it til then, but I don't know if we can. Especially since we'll be traveling to New Orleans in a couple of weeks and I don't think I'll be able to pump as often and we certainly won't be able to transport frozen breast milk.

Anyway, I talked to a nurse and she said how I can wean Evan to formula...start mixing it in with bottles of breast milk and gradually put more and more in there. This is SO HARD for me. I've cried a lot the past few days. I love breastfeeding. I really do. It's funny how I went from being unexcited about it (I was only doing it for his health) and not wanting to nurse in public, then to hating it with a passion (those first few weeks), to feeling very positively about it and taking a stance on breastfeeding and nursing him anywhere. I always used a cover, but still, you just don't see that very much around here. But I did it because women should be able to feed their babies anywhere, we shouldn't have to hide.

I feel guilty about making Evan drink the formula that he hates so much. I feel bad for myself because now I have to spend money on formula and wash bottles all the time. I feel betrayed because I was enjoying it so much and I feel like it's been taken from me. I know it's not anyone's fault, but still....that's just how I feel. I didn't make this decision, it's out of my hands, and that's hard because I feel like weaning should be a gradual thing that both mom and baby do together.

HOWEVER --- this morning I was ready to give up, but after talking to the nurse I'm determined to make this work. I'm drinking water like crazy and I'm going to buy some fenugreek. I want my supply to go back up. The nurse said the delayed let down sounds like a milk supply problem, so maybe, just maybe, I can fix this! I'm preparing myself for weaning, but I'm going to keep fighting for a couple of more days first.

8 months old

And his newest things (besides teeth!) are blowing raspberries (something he's been able to do for awhile now, but it's like he's discovered he can do it all the time), his cheese ball grin, eating finger foods on his own (Puffs), and bouncing in the Exersaucer.

7 months was the month of biggest changes. Evan changed SO MUCH. Not only the things he does, but also his personality. He's more opinionated, but still the mild, serious sweetheart he's always been. I just notice that he shows annoyance more often (and usually has a good cause to!). I spend less time wondering what he's thinking and how he feels because now I know.

We lowered his crib mattress again (one more time and it will be as low as it can go) because he's up on his hands and knees. He isn't pulling up on things yet, but if he did in the crib he could easily flip or fall out of it because he's so tall. We are also about to put away some of his things in the attic because he's outgrown them. His infant bath tub, his bouncer, and his swing. And in a couple of weeks we'll be putting away the infant carrier car seat and changing to the convertible seat. It's very bittersweet. I'm sad that he's growing, but excited and happy about it as well!

I found THIS bath tub at I.kea for $8! It's what we need. A couple of weeks ago I posted asking about baby bath tub solutions. It's small enough that it's easy to clean and doesn't need much water, but doesn't have all of those slanted sides and bumps on the bottom so he has more room.

So I leave you with a picture of the cheese ball grin:

Teefs

Evan's first tooth came in today! Matt discovered it first and is very proud of the fact. :-)

Cold in the eye

Evan has pink eye. :-( This is the first time he's ever been sick with anything other than a cold. And he's only had a cold once.

I thought he had a clogged tear duct like he did when he was a newborn, but both eyes were affected so I called the nurse this afternoon and she said to come see the doctor. She prescribed eye drops to put in his eyes 6 times a day! Apparently they expect us to wake him up because I'm supposed to do it every 4 hours. So I will call again tomorrow to ask about that because I don't want to have to wake him up twice a night for a week to give him the drops.

The pediatrician said he has a "cold in the eye." So I didn't think he had pink eye. But when I googled it it seems like this phrase is the same thing as pink eye. I was confused about where he could have received this virus from (if it is a virus, sometimes it isn't, but the doctor said there's no way to know how he got it) since none of his friends have ever had it. However, I just remembered the fact that Evan was in the nursery at a church we went to for a funeral on Sunday. Ugg! I knew I shouldn't have left him in there! The only reason I did was because my MIL was working in it and wanted to keep Evan. I bet that's where he picked it up. It's the first time in a long time that he's been in a nursery since we haven't been going to church much recently because of traveling for Easter and having such bad allergies. Because other than that I can't remember the last time he's played with another child's toys or even touched another child since he doesn't physically interact with other kids and their stuff when we do stuff with friends since we usually just go walking.

The worst thing about this is having to message 2 of Evan's friends' moms that he's played with the past 2 days to tell them because Evan was playing with their toys. I kind of feel like keeping this a secret, but I know I'd want to know if there was a chance Evan's toys were contaminated by one of his friends. I wouldn't be mad if Evan picked something up from another kid, but I'd just want to know so I could have a chance to clean his toys.

Oh well, it's late and I'm not feeling great (allergies) and I have to clean the house tomorrow since Matt and my FIL are installing new windows!

6-7 month schedule

I've changed Evan's schedule since the last time I posted about it way back in November. At the end of February Evan didn't have his dream feed since Matt and i were out and my sister was babysitting. He ended up sleeping a lot longer and I decided to just stop the dream feed completely. He also went to a 4 hour schedule which put his last feeding at 8:00 pm and then he went straight to bed. However, he started waking up early (6:30 am) every morning so we decided to move his last feeding (and bedtime) to an earlier time. So this is working for now and we'll probably stick with this schedule until he's old enough to go down to one nap a day (can't remember when that is).

7:30 - 8:00: Wake up, nurse, solids (1/4 cup of rice cereal mixed with fruit - usually apple sauce or bananas).

8:30 - 9:00: Nap (he will take a longer nap if I put him to bed about exactly an hour after he eats. I've tried extending his morning wake time several times and it never works.)

11:30 - 12:00: Wake up, nurse, solids (3 cubes of veggies, rice cereal mixed with fruit).

1:00 - 1:30: Nap

3:30 - 4:00: Wake up, nurse, solids (3 cubes of veggies, additional fruit if he still seems hungry).

6:30 - 7:00: Nurse, immediately to bed (we have a bedtime routine of nursing, family prayer time, read a book, sing a song, rock for a couple of minutes, and then he goes down in his crib).


Today is actually the first time I've given him rice cereal for his midday meal. He doesn't always eat much at his last meal (when he just nurses) and I think it's because I overfeed him at the 4:00 feeding. So now I'm going to try the cereal at the first 2 solid feedings so he won't eat as much so close to bedtime.

It's sad to put him to bed so early (I miss him so much after a couple of hours!), but it's really better for him and us. We all get more sleep and are happier people in the morning! Matt is still able to spend time with him in the evenings after he comes home from work (that was my biggest concern). It isn't enough time, but at least he gets an hour to an hour and a half with him on the weekday evenings. Plus, he sometimes comes home for lunch and is able to see Evan for about an hour then too.

So this schedule makes it look like he always takes 2.5 to 3 hour naps. I wish! lol Some days he does take naps that long, but usually it's an hour and a half in the morning and then 1.5 - 2.5 hours in the afternoon. Sometimes he still does a 45 minute nap like he used to, but thankfully since cutting out the third late afternoon nap he's been sleeping longer for the other two. If he wakes early I just let him whine in his crib (or talk to himself or play, depending on his mood). Sometimes I put him in his swing and see if he'll fall back to sleep or at least lay there quietly). Sometimes I let him play on the floor for awhile. It just depends on his mood and my mood. But I try not to feed him too much earlier unless he's acting hungry or really cranky.

Watch out, world!

Evan is on the move! He crawled this morning for the first time!!!!

It really came out of the blue for me. Sure, he's been moving a lot the past couple of months (rolling, squirming, and scooting), but he hasn't shown much motivation to get up and crawl. Yesterday I noticed he kind of got up on his knees while laying on his tummy, but he just went up for a second or two. This morning he was on his tummy on the bed and lifted up completely on his hands and knees. I thought, "all he has to do is slide his knees forward and he'd be crawling!" He went back down on his tummy and a few seconds later was back up and immediately crawling!!! He crawled straight for the edge of the bed and I had to make him stop so he wouldn't crawl off.

I made a huge deal about it and called Matt to tell him. I tried getting him to crawl on the living room floor, but he decided enough was enough and wanted to eat his cereal instead. After he finished eating i had to get ready to go walking with our friends (I kept peeking into his room where he was playing on the floor to see if he was moving, but he was on his back under his play gym and stayed that way). And we haven't had a chance to do it again since before breakfast. I'm hoping that after he wakes up from his nap and eats he will try again on the floor! I will also try to video tape it and post it on here. :-)

He is 7 months, 2 weeks, 6 days old.

Easter baby

yellow

The title of this post says it all! Everything is yellow here!!! Every year we see the yellow pollen from the pine trees, but this year it's ridiculous. We don't even have many pine trees around our house and yet everything is completely covered with it. The air is even covered...you can see yellow clouds floating everywhere. The sky looks hazy with yellow, the grass looks yellow, the trees look yellow, the roads are yellow, everyone has yellow cars...... gross.

My allergies were SO bad on Friday and Saturday. They were getting better, but today I've had a slight relapse. Matt's were terrible and didn't get better...now he has a cough too. He went to the doctor this morning. I haven't heard what the doctor said yet.

My dad's birthday was yesterday (he is 50 now!) and we're having a party for him on Friday night. It will be the first party we've ever had for him. A couple of years ago my mom turned 50 and Matt and I threw a party for her. This year we're not doing the party though, my mom is.

Easter was fun, but like i said earlier, it would have been better if my allergies weren't so bad. Evan "swam" in his little pool for the first time.

We skipped Spring apparently! It's been in the low 90s the past couple of days and all last week it was in the mid to high 80s. We went from 60 degrees to 90 in days!! It's great though...yesterday was a little hot, but I'm loving this weather! I just need to buy some capris and more short sleeve shirts. I went to go get my capris last week and realized...they are all maternity! I don't own any regular ones.

Evan's newest thing - saying "mamamama" and "babababa." He's done it before, but not consistently and not for long. Now it's all the time! And for the record, he said "mamamama" before "dadadada." ;-) I know he's not saying "mama" for real, but Matt and I had already bet on which sound he would make babbling first. I won! The weird thing is that he only does the "mamama" when he's upset. It just breaks my heart because I'm hearing "mama" even if he doesn't really mean ME. I'm glad that it doesn't happen very often!

Changing

So many things have been happening with Evan this week! It's crazy how he changes from one day to the next! This is definitely the most I've noticed him changing. Usually it's a little more gradual than this. Since he turned 7 months a couple of weeks ago he's like a whole different baby!

He's smiling even more. And he also started smiling at the camera. Up until a few days ago he would not smile when we had the camera out. Sometimes I could trick him into smiling for a picture by "hiding" the camera (I would hold it down low) and distracting him by acting goofy. But now he'll see me get the camera out and start grinning and look right at the camera! I'm very happy about this development. :-)

He's also started laughing more! I mentioned in THIS post how I hoped he'd start laughing more often. Although he isn't laughing a lot, he's started laughing when I do something to cause it like kissing his neck, tickling him, or holding him up in the air. Before the past couple of days, he'd sometimes laugh if I did that stuff, but it was rare, and it didn't last long. Yesterday I played "This little piggy" with him and he laughed and laughed when I did the "wee, wee, wee, all the way home!" part. So then I just started tickling him all over and he was full of giggles! :-)

Drum roll, please! He's also started....sitting up!! He's been able to sit with support up until 2 days ago, March 30. He could also "sit" on his own, but he basically just slumped forward and put his hands on the ground to brace himself. So I don't really count that. My mom was determined to get him to sit on his own so she started working with him the other day. He was doing pretty good, he could balance for a few seconds on his own. But then the next day she worked with him again, and he sat right up! He was sitting perfectly straight and staying that way on his own! We were ecstatic and he caught on to that. He was so proud of himself! He'd get all excited and start flapping his arms, which would cause him to lose his balance and fall over. lol But by the end of the afternoon he was sitting straight up on his own and playing with toys! So I count that as his first day of really sitting up. Of course I didn't have my camera, so no pictures yet.

I know there are some more things...when Matt came home last night I kept saying, "oh yeah, he started doing..." I felt like I started every sentence with that. I guess if I think of them I can add them later.

I hope you all have a happy Easter! We're traveling to Charleston to visit my grandparents. It'll be their first time to see Evan since he was 7 weeks old. It's also the first time we've gone on a trip with Evan since Christmas...I'm hoping it'll go smoothly!

Oh yeah, I am looking to buy a new pair of tennis shoes/sneakers, whatever you call them. I want them to provide good support (I go "power walking" a couple of times a week now) but still look good with capris and shorts. It would also be nice if they are comfortable for people who hate wearing shoes. I hate wearing shoes and socks during when it's warm outside! I get so overheated and uncomfortable. I was kind of looking at something like THIS, but they aren't really athletic shoes so I'm not sure they would provide good support. Oh yeah, Adi.das is not a good brand for me, way too wide for my feet. So recommend away!