2 years

Saturday the 29th was the second anniversary of our miscarriage. I'm so sad that nobody remembers our baby anymore. I don't mean that I expect friends to remember. And I don't even expect our family to say or do anything. But it's just that I could tell they didn't even have an idea that it was the 29th, 2 years since we lost our first baby. I don't think Matt remembered. It just makes me sad that it seems I'm the only one to think about it. I didn't want to spend the day moping or being depressed, but it was hard not to. I knew we were going over to my parents' house that evening and I was prepared for that. But I wasn't prepared to entertain my brother and sister all day for lunch and the rest of the afternoon. I had wanted them to come by to pick up the chaise lounge my sister is taking, but I didn't mean come to hang out for so long! Matt asked them to come a lot sooner than I had wanted them to. It was just hard to entertain while also being so sad.

I still feel bitter and sad and angry about it 2 years later. Maybe those who have lost a loved one or a child will understand. I remember my first baby every day. I have a box with the positive pregnancy tests (which, when I looked the other day, still looked the exact same as they did when I put them in there), pictures of us the day we found out about the pregnancy (5/18/08), and print outs of my blog posts about the pregnancy (not posts about the m/c). There's also a list of the names I'd started making after finding out about the pregnancy. Anyway, I feel like I'm keeping this stuff...and it's for nothing. Like, that little baby will never grow up and I'll say, "Here's this box...I was thinking of you even when you were still inside me. This is the story of how we found out we were going to have you..." I'm just so sorry for my baby. That he/she ended up with me...and look what happened.

I'm so disappointed in the people I know. That they can treat a miscarriage so flippantly. If I had had an abortion they would have been upset and there may have been tears and it would have been the death of a baby. But an early miscarriage at the same time? No big deal. The only emotions were them feeling a little sorry for me for about 5 minutes of the day, and then it was "get over it." I'm most angry at my in-laws' reactions. I still am. For those of you who were reading 2 years ago you may remember that the first time I saw my in-laws after the m/c they treated me horribly. We're having a different problem with them now and that makes the anniversary of our miscarriage even worse. They didn't care about our first baby, they didn't care that it took so many months of loneliness to conceive another baby, and now the worst thing is that they don't care about Evan.

Last year I think I was more positive. Grief comes in waves, sometimes it's easier to accept what happened than others. Sometimes I can mask it or pretend to be positive. But right now I don't feel like putting on an act. I feel like expressing my grief about my loss and my anger at the people who should have been supportive but chose not to be.