Mama

Thanks for all of the supportive comments on my last post!!! I made a visit to the vitamin store last week and bought fenugreek. Haven't bought any of the mother's tea or anything, but I plan to. Have been eating oatmeal every day (I usually do that anyway) and trying my hardest to drink a lot of water.

AND today was the first day Evan has nursed every feeding time since his tooth broke through 3 weeks ago!!! I still gave him a bottle of breast milk after his last feeding, but at least he nursed!!! I'm SO SO SO glad! I'm just amazed at how well we're doing. I can't believe I was that close to quitting. I really was. I had made the decision to wean him. But after writing that last post I realized how much I wanted to keep trying. So I decided to give it one more chance.

My letdown is happening quicker now and I think Evan has realized it will happen if he just gives it a minute or so. I'm still afraid we'll have more problems next time a tooth breaks through or something, but at least my letdown is better and I'm having much more success pumping, which is encouraging.

Yesterday was Mother's Day and it was great. :-) I still felt a little melancholy though. I just feel bad for all of the women who are excluded. And it was a little confusing when people told me "happy first Mother's Day." I was a mother last year. I was pregnant with Evan and if I hadn't lost my first baby I would have had a 3-4 month old baby by the time Mother's Day came around. Like I posted last year, I feel like women who have had miscarriages/struggle with IF are still mothers.

Plus the situation with the in-laws as escalated to the point where Matt called MIL to talk again (he had this same discussion with her in November and it made no difference), but I think this time he was a little firmer. She says she feels bad and asked what she can do to make it better. And we don't know how she can make it better. If she hasn't wanted to be a part of Evan's life up to now, why would that be any different now? Anyway, she called me twice on Saturday to talk, but both times I didn't get her call (I didn't do it on purpose though!). I really should have called her back today, but didn't feel like getting into it all. But it kind of put a little damper on Mother's Day. I think MIL was expecting us to come over for a cookout and stuff. And I just don't get why she's the only one attempting to make things better. FIL just gets off...like he hasn't done anything. *sigh* oh well!!! On to happier things........

Anyway, when I wasn't taking care of the baby (Matt parked at church in the morning and then did some grocery shopping in the evening), I was able to relax and nap a little bit in the morning. We all went to a park down the road in the early evening. It was a gorgeous day and perfect for doing some light hiking on the trails. When we came home Matt cooked burgers on our new grill...it was the first time we've used it. They were delicious!! Evan gave me a card that is adorable and is now sitting on top of the TV. It might just stay there forever. :-) The best gift was Matt folding the laundry, doing the dishes, and cleaning the house. And all of those things are already piling up again. lol


I'm so excited that I'm a mama! I absolutely love it. :-) Evan is such a sweetheart and he's cracking me up these days with how active and quick he is. He's still pretty laid back compared to many babies his age, but he's changing so much. He never ceases to amaze me with how he can change from one day to the next.

hard times

The past week and a half of motherhood have been the hardest yet. Sure, the first few weeks of breastfeeding were harder, but I hate to officially say that was the hardest time of motherhood since I did have a beautiful new baby. So I say the past week is officially the hardest. Now, I always hate to complain, especially since so many of my blogger friends have/had infertility struggles and would be more than happy to trade places with me. So I'm complaining, but not about being a mother. It's hard to explain, but this isn't complaining about being a mom or having a baby at all.

It's about nursing problems. I have become a little superstitious the past several months. It seems like just when I brag about something it turns on me. So I should have known not to be proud of our breastfeeding accomplishments the past month or so. I've had a couple of conversations with people saying how much I love breastfeeding and how I'm so glad I stuck with it even though it was seriously the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. The first few weeks were pure torture, but I stuck with it. I thought I'd be glad just to make it to 4 months and here I am 8 months later and planning to breastfeed for a YEAR! And now it is looking like I might be forced to wean Evan at less than 8.5 months.

While Evan was teething it hurt for him to suck, he wouldn't take a bottle either. So he skipped a few nursing sessions. He was also more irritable and so sometimes would just refuse to nurse and we'd give him a bottle. Then after the pain was gone he'd still refuse to nurse sometimes. The first couple of days I'd just give him a bottle and figured when the teething was completely over we'd get back on track. Not so. Now he only nurses 2-3 of 4 nursing sessions. It's a struggle to get him to do even that. The times he doesn't nurse I've started pumping so that my supply won't diminish. But the pumping isn't getting anything out. I will sit there pumping for up to 40 minutes (not easy with a mobile 8 month old!) and NOTHING.

I read to pump until let down and then nurse the baby so he gets an immediate "reward." But I can't get it to let down at all with the pump! My stash of frozen breast milk is getting low and it seems like let down is taking longer and longer when he does nurse. The whole feeding process takes over an hour (try to nurse, pump to see if I can get let down, give up, heat up frozen milk, bottle feed him, pump to see if I can get something out to keep up my supply, give up, rinse out/wash pump, finally feed him solids). Evan gets annoyed and I get annoyed. Often I find that I'm annoyed at HIM. It's hard to write this, but I'm being completely honest. Sometimes I feel angry, even a little angry at him. I feel that he is being very impatient. I think part of it is him learning that he can expect things and that he can BE annoyed. Before the past couple of weeks he just took everything as it came, he had no control. But he's getting more and more control over things and I think it's frustrating for him to not be able to control nursing. I know it's not his fault and he doesn't understand, but I still feel frustrated and wish that he could understand and be more patient.

Evan has never had a SIP of formula. We've tried giving it to him before (once a few days after he was born and went ALL DAY without eating because I was in so much pain and a few more times in January when my supply dwindled) and he refuses to drink it. I was so proud to have an exclusively breastfed baby, not even a sip of formula. So I was worried about weaning him onto formula because I knew he wouldn't take it. He'd have to skip a lot of feeding times before he'd drink it. The pediatrician said he could wean to cow's milk in May/June, but I know he means at least after Evan is 9 months old. I was hoping we could make it til then, but I don't know if we can. Especially since we'll be traveling to New Orleans in a couple of weeks and I don't think I'll be able to pump as often and we certainly won't be able to transport frozen breast milk.

Anyway, I talked to a nurse and she said how I can wean Evan to formula...start mixing it in with bottles of breast milk and gradually put more and more in there. This is SO HARD for me. I've cried a lot the past few days. I love breastfeeding. I really do. It's funny how I went from being unexcited about it (I was only doing it for his health) and not wanting to nurse in public, then to hating it with a passion (those first few weeks), to feeling very positively about it and taking a stance on breastfeeding and nursing him anywhere. I always used a cover, but still, you just don't see that very much around here. But I did it because women should be able to feed their babies anywhere, we shouldn't have to hide.

I feel guilty about making Evan drink the formula that he hates so much. I feel bad for myself because now I have to spend money on formula and wash bottles all the time. I feel betrayed because I was enjoying it so much and I feel like it's been taken from me. I know it's not anyone's fault, but still....that's just how I feel. I didn't make this decision, it's out of my hands, and that's hard because I feel like weaning should be a gradual thing that both mom and baby do together.

HOWEVER --- this morning I was ready to give up, but after talking to the nurse I'm determined to make this work. I'm drinking water like crazy and I'm going to buy some fenugreek. I want my supply to go back up. The nurse said the delayed let down sounds like a milk supply problem, so maybe, just maybe, I can fix this! I'm preparing myself for weaning, but I'm going to keep fighting for a couple of more days first.

Baby products that make my life easier

Here's a list I've made of baby products that people have excitedly discovered from me or that I've excitedly discovered from other people. I don't think these are very common in other lists, because I've just stumbled upon them since becoming a mom. While they aren't necessary, they definitely make my life easier and I'm so glad I own each of these things!

So here they are in no particular order (click on the link to see the brand name, where you can purchase, and a picture):

Battery powered nasal aspirator Matt found this at a drugstore back in October when we were in Charleston and Evan had a really stuffed up nose. We hadn't had luck with a manual aspirator but this one helped so much! It was a little scary to use it at first because I was afraid we'd suck Evan's brains out, but it isn't that powerful. ;-) I thought it was funny that this particular brand's aspirator plays music to "soothe" babies while you are sucking their boogers out...but it's actually come in handy. We didn't need to use that until recently when Evan hasn't wanted to stay still long enough for us to do the job, so we play the music and it distracts him! He also likes to lick the clear little "booger catcher" while we do it. lol!

Saline spray I had never heard of using this to help loosen up nose mucus until asking around, but this stuff is awesome! We use it almost every day along with the aspirator. My pediatrician recommended it as well.



Saline wipesThis is my newest discovery. I had heard moms on the message boards talking about them before, but I didn't think they were necessary. Evan had a cold a couple of weeks ago and I could tell his nose was sore from all the wiping I was doing with tissues and wash clothes. I saw these in the store and bought them on a whim. I'm glad I did because they clean the nose better and it's gentler than using a wash cloth.



Pacifier wipes A friend of mine has these and I was stoked that they exist! Like all moms I have problems with pacifiers falling on the ground when we're out in public and I can't always go wash it with soap. So I just pull out one of these to wipe it off and we're good to go. You can also use this to clean toys and other things that are dirty and that will immediately go back into baby's mouth.



Biodegradable disposable diaper sacks - My SIL used these when she was at my house one time. She mentioned her bags were biodegradable. I would never buy plastic sacks that weren't biodegradable because I think there's enough plastic bag waste out there as it is. Now I know these don't immediately break down in the landfill, but at least they won't still be polluting the earth in a thousand years. I use these fairly often, mostly to put dirty diapers in before I throw them away out in public or at someone's house, but I also put wet clothes and dirty burp clothes in them too so that they don't make a mess in my diaper bag. In that case I can always use the bag again after I come home and remove the clothes. It's a shame that BRU and Tar.get don't sell biodegradable sacks, but all the drugstores I've been to sell them.



Gripe water A lady who works at my chiropractor's office told me about this. Once again, I didn't think it would be that great of a product. However, it's amazing! When Evan gets the hiccups (and it seems like he always does around naptime or bedtime), we give him this and they immediately go away! I don't even give him the full recommended dosage. The best thing about this is that it is all natural, so I don't worry about giving it to him regularly. This also helped when he had bad reflux and would sometimes cry when we laid him down. I don't give this to him every time he has hiccups or gas, but I do if it's interfering with his sleep or if he seems in pain.



Diaper bag with stroller attachment I have the diaper bag that is pictured and I get compliments on it ALL the time. Many of my mom friends seem fascinated with the stroller attachments. I just leave the stroller clips on the stroller handle all the time so that all I have to do is snap the bag on after I unfold the stroller. Then I have the bottom pocket compartment of the stroller free for other things and my diaper bag is easily accessible. This diaper bag is a little expensive, but in our case it was completely worth it!

is this a dream?

I can't believe that this is real. That it isn't a dream or something out of a movie. I'm really a mom. That's really my baby right there playing so intently and pausing to look up and smile at me every couple of minutes.

It took me awhile to feel like I was really a mom. I felt like I was just playing mommy for a few weeks. It wasn't until someone was holding Evan and he started crying and they gave him to me and he stopped that I felt like a real mom. Suddenly it was like, "I'm the mommy. He knows that I am his mama." Then I knew I was a mama too. :-)

Thankful

The other day I was having lunch with some friends who have daughters Evan's age. The conversation turned to naps and I found myself complaining about my little boy. It hurts to write this and think back on it, because I love Evan so much and I'm so thankful for him. The other day I wrote a fac.ebook status about a messy mealtime experience that Matt wasn't around to help out with. A friend apologized and I realized that she must think I was complaining about it! It was a shock that anyone would think that (although I have to admit the status unintentionally sounded like that, but I actually found the situation humorous!). I thought, "why would I complain about something like that?" And then just a day later there I was complaining that Evan doesn't sleep enough during the day.

Yes, being a mother is hard. Yes, at the end of the day I'm glad Matt comes home to help out (unless he's on a business trip). But I LOVE being a mom. I was made for this. This is perfect. It's what I always dreamed it would be. Evan is amazing and him not napping much means that I just get to spend more time with him during the day. And I've really thought that before, I'm not just saying it now because I feel guilty for complaining about him!

Nobody's experience with motherhood is really perfect, but as for me, I have to be careful about letting myself complain about things that don't really matter in the long run. Sometimes it's good for moms to vent about things that are rough, but I don't consider our situation to be that bad. So my child only naps for 45 minutes. Some people have babies that only nap 15 minutes. And some people don't have a child at all. I'm so grateful for Evan and that God gave me this beautiful boy.

4 month appointment

4 month stats:
Weight: 14 lbs, 4 oz (25-50%)
Height: 26.5 inches (90-95%)

We have one tall baby!! Everything else is great with him. I was concerned about his back because his spine seems curved, but the doctor said it's the muscles and he'll outgrow it. If it's not better by his 6 month appointment he said he can do x-rays to make sure it isn't scoliosis, but he's pretty much positive it isn't at this point. That's a big relief to me because I was really worried that Evan had it, especially since I do. But infant scoliosis is very rare, only 1% of babies have it.

I'm not sure what I'm doing with my blog these days. Obviously I haven't been posting! I'm wondering if I should keep trying to post, if I should just quit but leave it up for others to see, or if I should completely take it offline. I don't know...

I enjoy blogging, but I don't have time anymore. I'm super super busy. I joined a playgroup back at the end of November and since then I've been meeting with them a couple of times a week. I've made some great friends through the group that I also get together with a couple of times a week. Then I have things like appointments, shopping, hanging out with our families, etc, that also take up my time. I can't remember the last time that I spent a day at home (I thought that I would on Wednesday, but then my mom called and asked if I wanted to go shopping with her, so I ended up going out for a couple of hours then too).

I mostly enjoy being so busy, but sometimes I wonder if I should slow down. My house is a wreck. When I come home in the evenings I have no energy to clean. If I have free time at home that's the last thing I want to do. I've noticed the past couple of weeks that I feel really down in the evenings once we're home. I wonder if I'm burned out and it doesn't set in until I'm at home. I don't know.... So part of me wonders if I should stop doing so much and then once I have more time at home I can blog regularly again.

Speaking of feeling "down," I realize I never really updated about my anxiety that I posted about in November HERE. It's a lot better now! I still have attacks every once in awhile, but not as often and they aren't as bad. I talked to my chiropractor about it and he wasn't as helpful as I had hoped. He didn't seem to get that I had this problem before pregnancy and childbirth. I told him that, but all he said is that I should make "me time" and relax and let someone else watch Evan while I go out shopping or read a book or something. I said that Matt does watch Evan most evenings and I get a break, but he said I need to completely get away a couple of times a week. haha. Anyway, not so helpful. My bad dreams have also declined, thank God. I still have them every once in awhile, but not every night like I was a couple of months ago.

We started Evan on rice cereal today! He was such a good baby! He did really well with eating it. Towards the end he started getting a little antsy like, "okay, let's get back to the real food," but he ate more than I expected. He also wasn't as messy as I thought. He only spit some out a couple of times and I think it's just because he had too much in his mouth. Anyway, this coming up Friday I'm going to start making baby food for him. I've decided to mostly use organic homemade food for him. I'll still use jarred food sometimes for when we're out or I don't have enough time to heat up the homemade food. I'm excited about it! I'll definitely write a post about that after we try it next week.

Firefly hasn't been doing so well and last night we finally discovered the source (I won't go into details, it's kind of gross). Matt took her to the vet this morning and she has a UTI. She's on antibiotics. We also need to restrict her diet because the vet said she's overweight. She weighs 14 pounds, 6 ounces! More than Evan! Anyway, I'm hoping the medicine will work and that she'll be okay.

anxiety attacks

They've come back since I had Evan. I feel like I'm falling apart sometimes.

There's a certain situation that keeps popping up that I think triggers them. That situation isn't directly related to Evan, it's a family situation. I don't know if I'd be having them without this other problem, who knows.

I have bad dreams almost every night. A lot of them have to do with Evan. I suppose it's my fears of something happening to him "taking over" at night. I'm not sure it's related to the anxiety attacks, but it does make me wake up feeling sick and upset.

Me

First of all I just want to say that don't want any of you to feel bad about the post I wrote a couple of days ago about parents being negative about parenthood. Also, I don't want any of you to think that what I wrote was due to anything you wrote about in your blogs. I know everyone has bad days and some people have bad weeks (I know I have) and even bad months. You should definitely write about those in your blogs, even if it's to complain. I wasn't upset about parents who have a hard time and aren't always happy about being a mom or dad. I was talking about people who take their own unhappiness/frustration/exhaustion and purposely try to make other (happy) people feel bad. That's different than complaining or even giving needed advice.

Me:
I have mastitis again. I'm feeling much better now that I've been on antibiotics over a week, but a week and a half ago I was suddenly struck with flu symptoms. They came out of the blue, one minute I was fine and the next I felt awful. I had been a little tired all day, but that's not unusual. My mom and I were going to a park since it was such a nice day (and Matt, my dad, and my brother were all in the mountains hiking) and we stopped at her house so I could feed Evan before we went on. While I was feeding him I suddenly felt SO tired. I thought resting awhile would help. I only became more and more tired and soon the weakness hit. I could hardly hold Evan to finish nursing him. He kept crying every time I would take him away, so I thought maybe he wasn't getting enough milk. I don't know if that was the case, but I could hardly stand to start nursing him again because of how horrible I felt. I actually nursed him laying down for awhile. I think he was just fussy or maybe he could sense how I felt because he wasn't swallowing anything most of the time he was "nursing." By the time he finally finished I had a fever and chills. Thankfully my mom was able to take care of Evan all afternoon until Matt came over. I was so afraid I had H1N.1. However, in the evening I noticed my breast was hurting and sure enough, it had red streaks. It was different from last time though, not nearly as painful. Anyway, we finally got the antibiotic prescription worked out with the doctor on call over the weekend. It took several hours, but the antibiotic is working!

I feel tired a lot. I'm not sure if it's normal, but I honestly think that I'm just mentally and emotionally overloaded. I'm getting a normal amount of sleep most days, so I don't think it's just physical. I'm an introvert and the hardest thing about being a mom so far has been being with someone all day long. I know he's just a baby, but it really isn't any different than being with an adult for me. I always get worn out when I hang out with people for more than a couple of hours. The only person who doesn't wear me out is Matt and that's one reason I knew he was "the one" for me. :-) Anyway, I think a lot of my fatigue is simply due to being around another person 24/7. Also, I think about Evan all.the.time. Constantly. Everything goes back to Evan. I think that drains a person!

I love being with Evan and the few times I've gone out without him (and once Matt took him to the grocery store and I stayed home alone) I've been miserable. I'd much rather be with him than without him. But I can't change my nature and so I end up feeling tired. I do welcome Matt's return from work at the end of the day so that he can spend some time with Evan and I don't have to do everything myself.

The good thing about constantly being around another person is that I don't feel any more tired by being around even more people. I've been more social the past 3 months than I have been in my entire life. I'm always getting together with friends or having people over. It's nice to get back in touch with people, I only wish some of them had kids Evan's age!

I've been trying to meet other moms with infants. I visited a MOP.S group a couple of weeks ago. All of the women there were older and had several kids. I did see one or two other young looking moms with kids around Evan's age, but the way this group works is you are assigned to a table. No one at my table is close to my age and all of their kids are already toddlers. Those are the ladies I will be with all the time and there is no other opportunity to meet the other ladies in the group. Matt and I joined a small group at our church, hoping to meet other couples with kids. Once again, all the couples are older and have multiple kids. However, 2 of the couples have babies around Evan's age. I tried talking to the lady whose son is a month younger than Evan, but she kind of blew me off. I can't help but feel that they think we're kids and don't belong in the group. They were nice, but that's just the feeling I get. I'm going to try a different MOP.S group this week to see if I have better luck, then I just might get desperate and start hunting down the young moms I see at the store, chiropractor's office, etc!

Wrap it up

Today I drove Evan over to the school that my mom teaches at so that one of her friends could show me how to use the baby carrier wrap that I made. I tried putting Evan in it the other day and it didn't work out very well. It was actually quite traumatic! Evan slept it off and I went and ate a big bowl of ice cream to get over it. lol Anyway, my mom's friend showed me how to use it and it's really fun! I'll have to see if Matt can get a picture of us using it. I love being able to "hold" Evan without actually using my arms. As a matter of fact, Evan is in it now. I don't believe in constantly carrying babies, but I do like to keep Evan close at certain times of the day and this is a great way to spend time with him without being confined to one arm all the time.

Of course while we were at the school we had to show Evan off to all of Mom's co-workers. She was so happy to do that. :-) One of my good friends from high school works there too and she just found out she's pregnant last week. So it's exciting to have a friend who lives HERE who will have a baby around the same age as Evan. She is my first friend who lives nearby to get pregnant. I have a lot of pregnant friends, just none who live within 8 hours. Oh yeah, and she sees the same group of midwives I go to - very cool!

I've been feeling pretty good lately, but today I'm tired after our outing. A week after Evan's birth I got cold for the first time since getting pregnant! lol Our AC went from being set at 73 degrees during the day to 75. Weird how the pregnancy hormones leave so fast. I also lost a lot of weight. I hadn't even noticed how big I got all around until after I lost the weight. Suddenly my arms and legs are skinnier, and I had never even noticed that they got bigger while I was pregnant! I tried on a pair of my pre-pregnancy pants a week after the birth and they didn't fit. I haven't tried them on again. I think they probably fit at this point since I'm the same size as I was before I got pregnant, but I'm pretending that they don't. I enjoy having an excuse to wear exercise pants all the time!

The other day I went shopping and bought a couple of new t-shirts. My old shirts are definitely too small now! My chest is one part of my body that has become bigger....much bigger. More stretch marks have appeared there and I'm finding it hard to maintain a good posture. The girls are so heavy that it's seriously hard to hold them up! I think I need a better support system. ;-)

Speaking of that, breastfeeding is easier. The pain from the mastitis has almost completely faded. My mom showed me how to breastfeed without a pillow (it's so easy! why did I think it would be hard?). So now I'm practicing for nursing in public. I want to be able to do it smoothly by the time we have our anniversary trip to Charleston on October 9. It would be much easier if Evan would cooperate better, but I guess he's still getting used to it too. He doesn't like to stay latched on and I have to keep maneuvering him back into place, which is hard to do while covered up with a blanket. I really need to try the nursing cover out, so far I've been practicing with receiving blankets covering us. Any tips or words of wisdom on this subject?

Enough about me, I promise that the next post will be all about my beautiful baby and will include pictures!

Due Date

Today is Evan's due date! It's crazy to think that he came so early. It seems like he's been here forever but at the same time it seems like it was just yesterday that we were in the hospital, exhausted and totally in love with our son after a long day of labor and delivery.

I love being a mom. I knew I would, but it's even better than I thought it would be. It helps that Evan is such a calm baby, but I know I'd still love it if he wasn't. The hardest thing about motherhood for me so far has been breastfeeding and that is getting much easier. I started using a nipple shield and I love it. For the first time since Evan started eating I'm not in excruciating pain during nursing. I don't think I'll use it permanently, but I will until my nipple heals and my breast isn't getting engorged as often. My midwife called today to see how I was doing and I told her that most of the redness and pain have gone away. She said the antibiotics are working and not to worry about the little redness and pain that are still there now. They will probably fade by next week when I stop taking the antibiotics.

I was just thinking how ironic it is that I didn't take a single drop of medicine during my entire pregnancy and birth and now here I am taking antibiotics, using an antibiotic ointment for my nipples, taking Motrin for the breast pain and swelling, and using prescription hemorrhoid ointment. Figures. ;-)

Yesterday was Matt's first full day back at work. Of course it was the roughest day so far! We had a couple of projectile vomiting incidents as well as poop and pee incidents. lol Today was much better! I'm finally starting to get into a regular schedule (hopefully). We will start our day at 7:00 and official bedtime will be around 10:30 - 11:00. After that I won't wake Evan for feedings every 3 hours, I'll let him wake himself when he's hungry. During the day he'll eat every 3 hours unless he's hungry before then (which he usually isn't).

He's staying awake longer and seems more aware of things going on around him. I'm curious to know when most people start tummy time? Right now if I try to put him on his stomach he folds his legs and arms up under him. Just wondering if it's too early or if I should keep putting him on his tummy until he gets used to it.

Matt and I are working on our birth announcements. We weren't going to do them, but then I decided to design my own and then print them at Wal.greens. We'll still have to pay postage, but I'm not sending them to everybody, just my extended family and friends. I'll be sure to upload a copy on here as well. :-)

1 Week Old

I can't believe it's been a week already! The time has flown by. At the end of the day I wonder how it went by so fast...and then wonder WHY it went by so fast. It doesn't seem like I do much. Of course, I live 3 hours at a time. That's how often I nurse Evan and each feeding takes at least 45 minutes. Most of that 45 minutes is spent trying to wake him up to eat more. The past few days most of his actual eating times have been 13 minutes. And yet it still takes 45 minutes to complete that process.

Breastfeeding has been incredibly rough. I don't mind waking up during the night, I don't mind spending all of my time with him, I don't mind my life being consumed by motherhood and nothing else. But breastfeeding has made motherhood hard for me. He wasn't latching properly for a couple of days. I was bleeding and sore and dreaded nursing times. I was SO close to giving up. He was also nursing every 2 hours at that point, probably because he wasn't getting enough due to the latch. On Wednesday I ended up driving myself to the midwife's office to get checked because the lactation consultant I talked to on the phone said I should because I might have an infection (which I didn't, he just wasn't latching properly). I got a last minute appt and we didn't have enough time to get Evan ready, I walked straight out the door. After getting in the car and driving a little ways down the road I realized that I really shouldn't be driving. I drove so carefully all the way though. Later I actually read my discharge instructions that said not to drive until approved by the midwife. lol

Things have been CRAZY. This is only the second day that I've been home the whole time. It's also only the second day that I've taken a nap. Just last night I realized that I am drained and healing is actually going to take longer if I keep going like I have been. So today I was determined to relax. We still had visitors (my family), but I've made a point of laying back on the couch and not doing any bending, squatting, sitting cross legged, etc. Needless to say, last night I was very sore down there, I think I was doing too much moving around.

Evan has had 2 doctors appointments so far. One on Thursday. He had gained .4 oz, not enough for them to be sure he's really gaining. So we had to go back yesterday to make sure. He gained an ounce! When we were discharged from the hospital he weighed 6 lbs, 10 oz. Now he's 6 lbs, 11 oz. That's good news and his pediatrician (who I really like!) said that he's obviously doing fine with his feeding, even though he doesn't spend long actually eating. He said to go ahead and just let him eat for 5 minutes on one breast and then as long as he will go on the other. He's still having A LOT of bowel movements and he's peeing A LOT too! lol So I guess it's all good, although it worries me that sometimes he only eats less than 10 minutes total.

Nights are actually going really well. We don't wake him up every 3 hours between 9 pm and 8 am, we wait until he cries to feed him. So sometimes he'll go about 4 to 4 and a half hours between feedings. This child almost never cries. The most he cries is sometimes when we're changing him (cold wipes!). He doesn't even cry when he's ready to eat, he just makes fussy noises. It's actually kind of hard to read him. The doctor said to wait until he screams at night to feed him, but I don't think he ever will scream. I just wait until he actually cries. And usually he'll only cry for a couple of seconds and then stop and whimper or make fussy noises. I go ahead and feed him though because I just don't think he is a screamer or much of a crier. I'm SO BLESSED, I know! My mom is miffed, she said that after all the trouble I gave her when I was a baby, I should have a difficult child too. ;-)

Nursing is still hard, but I think I can make it. I'm starting to accept the fact that he just doesn't eat for long, so I think that will make things easier. I can stop spending 30 minutes plus trying to wake him up. I have to pump about every other feeding time to keep my breasts from becoming too full. Sometimes he won't eat unless I do that first. That's a bummer because it just takes up more time, but I'm hoping I won't always have to do that. We still have a lot to learn about feeding and things are only getting better, so maybe someday we'll both get the hang of it.

I feel very weak a lot of the time. I'm not all that tired, because I've been getting quite a bit of sleep at night (more than most mothers of newborns!), but I'm just weak. I'm going to try to relax more the next few days, but the nurse I talked to the other day said that if I don't feel stronger in a few days that I should make an appointment, I might be anemic. Matt has been a HUGE help, he changes most of the diapers, helps wake Evan up during feedings, swaddles him (I'm going to have to learn to do that better before Matt goes back to work!), cleans, does the laundry, cooks, etc, etc, etc. Plus he's just encouraging, especially about the breastfeeding. He's very involved in every aspect. He'd be the perfect stay-at-home dad. I only wish we could both stay at home all day with Evan! Matt is going back to work on Wednesday, he'll be out of vacation days by then. :-(

Okay, I promise I'm going to end this huge post! It's feeding time. :-)