Flying & Crying

I'm flying to Arkansas in mid-July for my grandparents' 50th anniversary party. I'll be flying to Little Rock alone, meeting my dad there, and then we'll drive to Fort Smith. I'll be 32 weeks then. I sure hope it's okay for me to fly then! I looked up some message board posts on the subject and it seems like a lot of women fly at that point. I didn't check with any of the midwives before my dad got the ticket, but I'm guessing they will be okay with it since I've had a smooth pregnancy so far and am not high risk.

This whole thing has been really spur of the moment. My dad had purchased a ticket for himself, then a week later found out he's going to be in Little Rock on business the same day he was going to be flying there himself! So he wanted to transfer the ticket to my name (since it's non-refundable), but it's also non-transferable. So he decided to use some of his frequent flier miles to get me a ticket. He sounded excited about me coming along and it would be nice to see my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins and most likely even more of my extended family from Texas. This will be my last chance to travel on a whim. After Evan comes, any trips I make will have to be well planned. I probably won't do much, if any, traveling alone after Evan comes. So Dad asked if I wanted to come on Saturday night and by yesterday afternoon he got the ticket. Matt is excited I'm going, the only problem I have with going without him is that he'll be on a business trip the 4 days before I leave. He'll get back the day I leave so we won't see each other for an entire week. But I've gone that long without seeing him before, so I think I can manage this time. ;-)

Did you fly that late in pregnancy? Would you? Just after I hung up the phone after telling my dad to go ahead and get the ticket I had a mini panic attack. What if you aren't supposed to fly that late!? What if something horrible happens to Evan on the plane!? But after researching it some and seeing other women discuss their travel experiences at 32 weeks or later I feel much better about it!

Speaking of panic attacks, I've been much more emotional the past few days. Weepy and more stressed than normal. Poor Matt! I have to say, he's been very supportive although I haven't been the nicest person to be around the past couple of days. All of our yard projects are weighing on me and he's the one who has to do the work, so I keep nagging him and getting upset that things aren't moving along faster. I have no clue why it seems so important to get it done quickly, but it is. I really am ready to have the front flower bed and the back patio finished. I think my life will be easier after they are finished. I can tell myself it's no big deal and not to stress all I want, but it doesn't help! I think it's pregnancy hormones. I haven't been very emotional since getting pregnant, at least not any more than I used to be. But the past couple of days I can't seem to help myself, so pregnancy hormones are the only thing I can attribute it to.

Ants in my pants

A second ant infestation is occurring at our house. Last week when we came home from the beach there was a trail of them leading to the cat food and then some had discovered the trash. Matt poisoned the area where they were coming into the house from the outside (yep, we have an old house) and we bought some stuff to fill the gaps between the siding and brick. Today I discovered another trail, going to the cat food once again. They are entering at the same point on the inside of the house, but have apparently found another way to that point from the outside that we haven't found yet. So Matt is vacuuming them up and will have to go buy more poison to put outside to try to discourage them. It's really odd because we haven't ever had problems with this until now. You'd think the same thing would have happened last summer!

So what's up with you?

1 Year

It's been a year since my miscarriage. It's crazy to think about everything that's happened this past year. I still feel so sad for what I lost. For my baby, for my innocence, for my optimism, for my life before I suffered such a painful loss. It's crazy to think that exactly a year ago I went from being the happiest person in the world to the most miserable, all in one day. It's not fair that things had to happen that way, it's bad enough to have a miscarriage at all, but it seems even sadder that it happened at a time that should have been so perfect. Of course, it's always heartbreaking, no matter when it happens, but now I will always have the memories of my miscarriage associated with buying and moving into our first home. It's hard to celebrate owning a home for a year when that's also the anniversary of my miscarriage.

I'm so blessed, blessed to have survived a year. Blessed to have such a supportive husband who stuck with me through all of the hard times, blessed to have been able to do a lot of fun things over the past year, blessed to be pregnant again, blessed to have had a healthy and easy pregnancy so far. My heart aches for the women who suffer repeated losses, I can't imagine how hard that must be. Having one miscarriage has impacted me so incredibly much. I'll never be the same person, I'll always remember the horror and misery I experienced not only on May 29, 2008, but over the many months that followed. I'll always wonder about my first baby. I'll always feel sad to think of how many thousands of women have experienced the same thing I have. In one way it's been good to meet other women who know what I've been through, but it's also one of the saddest things I've seen, so many women who have lost babies whether once, twice, or even more.

The other day I visited THIS page and bought an awareness ribbon car magnet that I now have on my car in memory of my first baby. I want people to be more aware of what so many women go through. I want to reach out to other women who have experienced a miscarriage and that's not going to happen by sitting around keeping my loss to myself. For those of you who are on my blog list and have suffered a loss or multiple losses or are struggling with infertility, I want you to know that I pray for you all regularly. I'm always here if you want to talk. It's hard to see the good in a situation like the one I went through, but if anything positive came from my experience, it would be that I'm even more aware of what so many women go through and I'm willing to try to help them in any way I can, even if it's just to provide a listening ear.

25 Weeks

I'm getting closer and closer to this actually working. I can't describe how I feel, I guess I honestly have felt like surely something is going to go wrong this pregnancy. That we won't make it. But as the weeks go by I'm feeling more confident that I will be holding Evan in my arms someday. I've been feeling him move everyday throughout the day. I feel healthy and optimistic right now. I pray that everything will continue to go smoothly. I'm not jinxing it by writing all of this, am I!?

Highlights this week.... hardly being able to fit in my pre-pregnancy tank top (a staple in my wardrobe, I wear tanks under everything). Over the weekend I went and bought 2 maternity tanks to wear underneath my shirts. I can still wear some of my regular shirts, but my wardrobe has become half maternity, half non-maternity at this point. I think I may need to buy a larger size underwear?? Sunday my underwear started falling off in the middle of church! I was wearing jeans, but my underwear were basically not even covering anything, they were as low as they could go in the jeans. Good thing I wasn't wearing a dress. lol! I had to excuse myself from the service to go take care of it. I think my jeans (they are the underbelly kind) are pushing them down, plus they don't stay up as far with my belly pushing them too. So I'm thinking a bigger size will help out...maybe. Hopefully!

There are times where I feel like I am going to bust open! I honestly don't understand how I can get any bigger than I already am. It's harder to breathe sometimes, I feel very squished in there. My stomach has been a little more upset than normal lately, the other night I woke up and felt very nauseous, it helped to sit up for awhile. No wonder, Evan is about a pound and a half and is about 13 inches long, roughly the size of an eggplant. I'm surprised I don't have stretch marks yet. I'm sure I will get them though. I already have some on my legs that I received from normal growth as a teenager. My mom has them and my sister has some too from normal growth. So I'd be shocked if I didn't get any. For all I know I do have some on the underside of my belly and I just can't see them!

I'm going to copy Nity and post a chart too. It will be interesting to see what the next 15 weeks hold. :-)

Another new development, I can now feel Evan on both sides of my abdomen at the same time. I don't understand how it works, but I guess he's kicking and punching? He's definitely kicking on one side because it's much stronger, but at the same time the kicks are happening there's a lighter movement on the opposite side. Awesome! I think one of the best parts of the week was during church on Sunday. The band at our church is super loud, it's like a concert, they even give away ear plugs. Well they started out playing a softer, lower volume song, but it suddenly picked up and started blasting away. Evan immediately starting kicking, I could tell that he could hear the music, it may have even woke him up. The service was a worship service, so it was songs throughout, with the pastors and leaders speaking in between. Every time the music would start up really loud Evan would start kicking, but when it was softer or someone was speaking, he would stay still. It was so fun! Matt thinks he takes after himself, a little drummer. I think he takes after mom, he just loves his sleep and hates being awakened. ;-)

We ordered the dresser/changing table combo that matches the crib this week. We haven't set it up yet, we want to paint the trim in the nursery and get the rest of the room cleared out first. I can't wait! Matt is out of town, but I'm hoping that this weekend we can get some work done in there. We also have so many things to do in the yard, it's crazy. It seems like whenever Matt's home it's raining or everything is still too wet to do anything.

My exercises are going well, Matt and I have also started going through our Bradley Method book. We aren't going to take the classes, we'll just go through the book together. I don't know why natural childbirth appeals to me so much, but it does, so we're hoping to go that route. I was very encouraged to hear that my mom went all natural with my little sister. Hey, if she can do it, I can too! She didn't even use any special methods or techniques, she just got through it. She had a horrible experience with meds when she delivered my brother, that's one reason why I'm going to try to avoid them. But we'll see, I'm not making any firm plans.

I don't have a bump picture for 25 weeks, but you can look at my beach pictures to see what I looked like at 24 and a half for now. :-)

Beach bums

We had a wonderful time at the beach! We arrived at about 8:00 on Thursday night and had some time to hang out on the deck and give my mom a tour of the house. The only people there this year were Matt's parents, grandparents, the 2 of us, and my mom. I'm really glad she was able to come, every year that Matt and I go I always think of how much she would like it. Unfortunately this may have been the last time we'll get to go. Their family has been going for many, many years, probably close to 20 now. But my FIL's boss, who owns the house, is giving it to his daughter and she is now renting it out. So in future years she will probably choose to either have family stay or rent it out to make money.

Anyway, the house is on a private island just outside of Wilmington. It's gorgeous and even though it was Memorial Day weekend, it still wasn't nearly as crowded as most beaches since only people who live there or rent a house there are allowed. NC has beautiful beaches. I don't understand why SC beaches are more popular because NC's are so much prettier. I guess it isn't as touristy though, but that's how I like it. The weather was also amazing. It was warm and mostly sunny. Matt's parents said that most of the week it was cold and rainy, but it cleared up just for us!

My mom, MIL, and I drove from one end of the island to the other to give her a tour. Mom and I went walking on the beach several times, picked up shells and sand dollars, watched the birds and crabs, and sat in our beach chairs in the sun and read books. Matt and I went on a walk as well and were able to go bike riding! Friday night MIL, Matt's grandma, mom, Matt, and I went out to eat while FIL and Matt's grandfather went fishing. I had an all around good time with the in-laws, it was nice to be able to spend some time with them.



So far this month we've been all over NC, from the mountains to the sea, all the way across.

Destinations: A = my brother's school, B = Charlotte, C = Island

24 Weeks

It's amazing how fast time is flying! I know I say that every week, but it's true! My pregnancy book says this is the last week of my 2nd trimester. However, everything else I have, including my packet of info from the midwife, says that week 27 is the last week of the 2nd tri. Weird.

Evan weighs over a pound now, closer to a pound and a half! I believe it, I'm feeling him move a lot more now. Even when he does kick I can sometimes feel him moving, I don't know if he's flipping around or just wiggling, but I can feel different types of movement. He has active spurts and will kick over and over for a couple of minutes, then I won't feel him for another hour or so, then I feel him moving and kicking for another several minutes. Last night I felt him during the night for the first time. Of all the time I've spent laying awake for hours at a time in the middle of the night, I've never felt him move until last night. Usually it's only during the day that I feel him, or in the late evening/early nighttime hours. I've read that a lot of babies in the womb are more active in the middle of the night, but he hasn't been while I'm awake anyway. I'm also feeling him move even when I'm walking and moving around. Before, I had to be sitting and leaning back in order to feel him. Also this week, I felt him on the left side a couple of times. I usually only feel him kick on the right side and sometimes in the middle (usually lower down). But I was laying on my left side this week and felt him lightly kicking or moving on that side. So cool!

I've been feeling pretty good, except for some minor lower back pain last night and this morning. Woke up with heartburn in the middle of the night a couple of times the past week. My cure for that is to get up and drink some chocolate milk while reading for awhile. Milk has been working wonders. Anytime I have heartburn or an upset stomach in general (which might be mild heartburn, it's hard for me to tell exactly what heartburn is sometimes unless I actually feel funny in my throat or chest) I drink chocolate milk and it settles my stomach wonderfully. I don't know what I'd do without it! I'm already thinking that we'll have to stop by the store when we are over at the beach to buy some chocolate syrup so that I'll have it the next couple of days while we're there.

We're leaving this afternoon and will be back sometime on Saturday. It looks like the weather is going to be nice while we're there, I'm happy to see that the chance of precipitation tomorrow has dropped from 40% to 10% the past few days. I'm eager to show my mom the beach house and the gorgeous island that it's located on. I'm hoping that my shins are feeling okay so that I can do lots of walking on the beach. My favorite things to do while we're there are walking on the beach and riding bikes on the island's roads. I'm not sure that I'll attempt bike riding this year, we'll see! It might be a little difficult with this belly of mine and I know some doctors don't recommend it because of balance issues. I'm not used to riding bikes (It's been 2 years since I've been on one now!) and the roads are sandy which make them harder to ride on, especially if you have to move to the side for a passing car. But I really love riding them....so...we'll see. lol Probably Matt won't let me anyway.

This year my mom will be there though so we're planning on laying out (except I can't really lay down, so I'm going to have to buy a chair) and relaxing on the sand!! That's something that Matt can't do because of his fair skin. Nobody else in Matt's family does that either, probably for the same reason. So if I want to spend time relaxing by the ocean I have to do it alone, which is no fun! So I'm excited that this year I can spend the afternoons outside with my mom instead of cooped up in the house reading or watching TV. Maybe I'll actually go swimming this year too if I get hot enough. I haven't tried on my swim suits to see how ridiculous I look him them.... I am bringing tanks to put on top to cover up, no way am I walking around with my fat hairy belly exposed to the world.

I'll be sure to post pictures and tell y'all all about it when I return! Do you have special plans for this weekend? Have fun and be safe!

BFP #1

Yesterday marked a year since we found out about our first pregnancy. I thought about it a lot, but didn't want to dwell on it anymore than I had to, so I didn't mention it in my post and I never even talked about it with Matt. The anniversary of the first pregnancy and the miscarriage are harder to deal with than I thought. I noticed that thinking about the miscarriage even after getting pregnant again was still hard, but I didn't think the anniversaries would be this rough. It's been on my mind a lot more than usual the past week.

I feel so sad that we didn't get to meet our first baby, that it had to end like that. At a time that should have been perfect. I still feel really bitter when I think about the events surrounding the miscarriage, how I was treated by the people who should have supported me the most, how I had hardly any help or encouragement from people I know in real life. It's upsetting to think that most of the people who knew I had a miscarriage didn't care at the time, and now if they even think about it at all they probably think I'm completely over it now that I'm pregnant again. But it still hurts and I still grieve for the child I didn't get to hold in my arms.

I'm so thankful for all of my Blogger friends though. I don't know what I would have done without y'all. You rejoiced when I received that BFP, grieved with me as I had a miscarriage, and supported me for a year afterward. Even those of you who haven't experienced a miscarriage yourselves have been very encouraging and have said and done all of the right things. It honestly doesn't take much to comfort someone who is grieving, you don't have to say any magic words or try to explain or justify the loss, just say "I'm praying," "I'm thinking of you," "I'm sorry." The most touching comments I heard were those that expressed concern for me and conveyed that me and my baby were special. One of the worst things is feeling that people didn't think that my pregnancy or baby mattered. So thanks to all of you who did care and continue to do so!!!