Trying again

First of all, if you are struggling with IF, you probably won't want to read this post (about TTC again). I am not trying to be callous or thoughtless by writing this, but it's a part of my life and I want to record it.

I wrote a huge post the other day about the topic of TTC again. I didn't publish it because I was afraid of all the comments I'd get on the subject. However, we've now officially decided to TTC #2 (I say this is baby #2, even though it will be baby #3 since I consider all babies no matter what the gestational age to be alive. However, it's less confusing to refer to Evan as my only baby, making a future baby #2.) and so of course I have to announce it on my blog. It's a for sure decision now! :-)

I'm really excited about our future and having another baby who will (hopefully) be close to Evan in age! It's sad that people are so negative when it comes to having babies close together and that I let that get to me so much I'm afraid to even post about this on my blog. TTC so soon after having a baby isn't for everyone, but I've known many women who have done this (including my mom) and if they can do it, be happy, and have great families, then I can too. People were negative about my previous decision to TTC, they were negative about my pregnancy, they were negative about natural childbirth, and they were negative about having a newborn. I didn't let it get to me and I am thankful that I was able to prove them all wrong by enjoying pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood in spite of the difficulties. Just imagine all of the awesome experiences I would have missed if I listened to all of the negativity!

Matt and I have been talking about this for a long time, since before Evan was born. After Evan's birth I obviously had to reconsider all of our plans to make sure they were still right. The past month I've been thinking and praying about it a lot, all of the pros and cons of having babies close together. My main concerns were breastfeeding during pregnancy (I would like to BF Evan until he doesn't need it anymore, I don't want him to have to drink formula because he doesn't like it and has always refused it in the past) and my scoliosis and another pregnancy. I've done a lot of research about BF and pregnancy and talked to Evan's pediatrician. The fact that Evan will be able to wean to cow's milk in 2-3 months cinched the deal. So if I do get pregnant soon and something happens to my supply or I'm not able to BF with morning sickness, Evan won't have to go on formula. I'm starting to stretch and work out more (I pretty much stopped except for walking after Evan was born) so that will help my scoliosis. If I can get into a regular workout routine it will be back to the same as it was before/during my pregnancy with Evan. Scoliosis isn't a situation that's going to get better since it is incurable (unless I have surgery which I don't right now), but I can help myself a little by working out.

The biggest pro is that i want Evan to have a brother or sister that is close to him in age. My brother and I are 18 months apart and we've been best friends our entire lives. There was never a time that we didn't share the same friends, take the same classes, and do the same activities. It's funny to look back on how unusual that is in our society. I don't know many jr high girls that would like being in a school play with their younger brother or know many young boys who would want his sister to play with him and his friends. I've been so blessed and I hope that Evan will have the same experience Chris and I did.

All of that being said, I'm still exclusively breastfeeding and my cycles aren't normal yet. I seem to be having a period every 26-28 days. It's very light. However, the bleeding is regular, which is better than it was before i got pregnant with Evan! But I'm not sure that it is an official period and I'm not sure I'm ovulating since I'm not charting or anything. However, I'm down to feeding Evan 4 times a day and pumping once. I don't do any night feedings. All of this means that if I'm not fertile yet, I should be very soon.

Am I scared of having another miscarriage? Heck yes. That was another of the biggest cons about TTC again. Ugg...it makes me feel sick just thinking about it. There have been many times I've considered not TTC again ever just because I'm afraid of losing another baby. There's not much more to say about the subject, but I'm still terrified even though I've decided to take a chance. I shouldn't let fear dictate my life.

Anyway, I'm not going to post much about this subject until after Evan is a year old. Then I will step it up, but before then I'm hoping that this will just be low key. I'm not going to stress about TTC for now. I'm enjoying my little man and our time as a family of 3 (plus 2 bad kitties). I'm not announcing this to too many people I know IRL, so if you know me in person or if you're friends on facebook, please don't say anything about this in a public setting!