Still here

Wow, remember me everyone? Basically my life the past year can be summed up with 2 words - depression and anxiety. Back in November I finally started seeking more help (I was already on Zo.loft that I started taking while I was pregnant with Levi). Now I'm visiting a counselor but have yet to start seeing a psychiatrist due to a change in our insurance. I have an appointment with one scheduled for April 3. I switched meds to Cele.xa back in December (the switch was ROUGH, I experienced really bad withdrawals from the Zo.loft, one of the worst experiences I've ever had). I think the Cele.xa has helped the anxiety a lot, but the dosage I was on did nothing for the depression. Just a week and a half ago I visited my GP and she prescribed me a higher dosage. This past week has been a GOOD WEEK! The first I've had since before getting pregnant with Levi. I really hope it's the higher dosage Cele.xa working.

I just want to get better. I'm tired of having no energy. Of feeling unhappy. Of having anxiety attacks all the time. Of isolating myself from friends. Of not wanting to answer my phone. Of having mood swings and yelling at Evan for stupid reasons. Of feeling alone even though I'm physically almost never alone.

I want to start up my hobbies again. I want to start cooking meals again. I want to start working out again. I want to provide my kids with a healthy routine instead of half-heartedly playing with them one day and then the next putting them in front of the TV. I want to blog again!!!

So enough about that.... I don't think I've ever mentioned on here how absolutely freaking cute my youngest son is!!!! He's such a huge huge huge huge huge blessing. I don't understand how Matt and I were able to create such good, sweet, handsome little boys.

Introducing...

announcement by: http://www.etsy.com/shop/lukecommasara

Major update

It's terrible that I haven't blogged in so long! It always makes me sad when I read a blog that hasn't been updated in months, even if it isn't a regular blogger friend. But here I am doing the same thing. I've thought about it off and on, wondering if I should officially quit blogging, but I think for now I'm going to hold on to it and do it when I can.

Anyway, the biggest update of all - I'm having another BOY!!!!!!! We're so excited to be expecting another boy on May 14. We've picked out the name Levi, but aren't publicly sharing it yet. It's not that it's a secret, we tell people if they ask, but for some reason I'm not ready to officially announce it to friends and family, put it on facebook, etc.

The pregnancy has been going fairly well. It's not as easy as it was with Evan though. I've struggled with depression and anxiety. I went off the meds around New Year's. Part of me is thinking about going on them again, even though it's the 3rd trimester. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there, but I feel that emotionally I'm not doing very well. But enough about that! I don't want my first post in 4 months to be about depression!

We've decided on a rocket ship/outer space theme for Levi's nursery. I haven't started decorating yet. We've decided Levi will share a room with the office, not with Evan. But I still want to decorate it. Of course, he'll sleep with us for the first 4 months so it doesn't HAVE to be done when he's born, but I'd like it to be. We don't co-sleep in the bed, but he will sleep right next to my side of the bed in a bassinet. That's what we did with Evan and I really liked it.

Right now a friend is living with us and is staying in the office on an air mattress. She's been visiting her boyfriend the past few days so I had a chance to get in there and start some deep cleaning and organizing. When she moves out I'll start the decorating.

I will try my hardest to start posting more regularly now. And I will definitely announce when Levi arrives (hopefully as early as big brother Evan did!).

What's up with me!?

I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted, especially with everything that's been happening.

I'll kind of sum it up for y'all...

A couple of weeks ago, the week of Oct 18, I started having increased spotting (I'd already been having some, but not enough to be worried enough to make an appointment) and cramping. That had me worried, especially after my miscarriage. ** Let me pause here to say that everything is okay!! ** Of course all of this started on our way to Athens, Georgia, where Matt was going on a business trip. Evan and I were going along for fun, who would have thought it would turn out so badly!? I called the nurse the next day and she said to come in for an ultrasound......except I was 4 hours away from home and couldn't leave since Matt was working!! She said it would be okay to wait until that Friday for an ultrasound unless it got worse. She also said to go on pelvic rest (which I had already put myself on pelvic rest since I found out I was pregnant! lol). I was still having cramping that night. I called my mom and told her, she arranged for my sister to come pick me up the next day. But thankfully Matt was able to take off work so we left the next evening and I changed my u/s to Thursday in the early afternoon. That way my sister didn't have to drive 8 hours in one day to take me home.

I was SO SO SO nervous, I can't even describe. But we immediately saw the baby on the ultrasound and the u/s also picked up the sound of a healthy fast heartbeat!! I was even measuring a few days ahead. The baby was sleeping, the u/s tech tried to wake him up, but s/he wouldn't have it. Just like big brother Evan!

Anyway, it was determined that the spotting was from the cervix and normal and that the cramping is from my uterus expanding. The midwife said not to be concerned about the cramping and only call if the spotting turned to heavy bleeding. I had cramping that night, but ever since then I haven't had any cramping OR spotting. Thank the Lord!

We've been so busy this past month with traveling and visiting with family and friends. One weekend we went to my grandparents' house, then a birthday party one weekend, then we went to Athens, then to Savannah, and then there was Halloween. Evan dressed up as a dinosaur (of course!) and was ADORABLE!! He started completely walking on Oct 27 and I'm so glad he was walking for Halloween. I LOVE that he's walking. It's so much easier and now we can go outside all the time since he isn't dragging his knees and feet around in the dirt and on the concrete.

I gotta end this post for now, but I'll leave you with some pictures...

Words

Words Evan is saying at 13.5 months old:

Hey

Bye bye

Ma (Mama)

Da (Daddy)

Kitty

Milk

Duck

Bird

Book (he's still working on the pronunciation of this one!)

Nana (not so sure about this, but my mom insists he is saying it - meaning her of course)

Anxiety

Okay so here's the deal....

My anxiety attacks have dramatically increased since I became pregnant. Like.....on a good day I have 5-10 anxiety attacks, some days I have them almost constantly. That's made me more sick than morning sickness. I also feel like I'm having problems with depression.

I talked to my midwife last Tuesday and she prescribed me Zolo.ft for the anxiety. She isn't convinced that I'm having depression problems and thinks that it's probably just pregnancy in general making me feel this way. At the time I smiled and nodded, but I know my own body and I know that I've had some real depression. Thankfully that's been a little better the past couple of weeks, but the anxiety is still a problem. Regardless though, she said this medicine should help the depression if I'm experiencing that too, but not to be concerned if it doesn't go away, because that would just mean that it's normal pregnancy symptoms.

I'm on 25 mg of the medicine, a very low dosage. It took me until Sunday to start taking them. And I still feel guilty about it. I just don't know....I was hoping the midwife would tell me some natural remedies, but this is what she recommended first and she seemed to feel strongly about it.

Matt and I did research and there's no proof at this point that Zo.loft can cause problems in the first 2 trimesters. And then the effects of anxiety/panic attacks on a baby can be serious like development problems, increased risk of diabetes and heart problems in the future. My chances of preterm labor are increased.

Sigh.......... I feel anxious about this stupid anxiety medicine. I was ALL NATURAL with Evan. I never took a single pain reliever pill while I was pregnant. Not while I was pregnant, not during labor, not even after labor (well, until about a week went by and I had to take Motr.in for my sore breasts, but that's a whole other story!).

I also had a flu shot last week. I don't know if that was the right thing to do either. If my mom wasn't a teacher and didn't come into contact with the flu every year I probably wouldn't have taken it.

Did any of you take antidepressants while in your first trimester? I'm hoping to go off the medicine by the second trimester, but who knows. And did any of you get the flu shot while pregnant? I'm just so nervous and upset by this........ I just feel that I'm already failing this baby. I did everything right with Evan and felt so confident. And I feel like it's all out of control this time around.

guilty

I feel guilty for not eating well with this pregnancy. For not exercising. For not being as careful. For taking medicine instead of having the med-free pregnancy I had last time.